BDSM, THE UNMASK.

Let’s face it, vanilla is the boring flavour.

2021 has offered us an uncertain (but thankfully now sanitised!) hand. Not only have the months spent bunkered away allowed us to perfect our bi-weekly banana loaf and forced us to powerlessly endure the mad toilet roll shortage; it has also given us time to reflect on our perspectives and encouraged us to explore a more open-minded version of ourselves.

Despite this time of crisis, we’ve avidly watched BDSM & Kink aesthetics knot their way into the mainstream, our Lady Gaga and Miss Grande frolic around in leather and latex in the iconic “Rain on me” video, as well as Tayce’s gagging delivery of body harness realness in the UK Drag Race workroom.

The nations curiosity in BDSM appeared to unearth back in 2015 with the box office release of Fifty Shades of Grey, a film following a timid, college student who lands herself in a dom/sub relationship with a hot, suited, business tycoon. Scene cut! Panties drop! We're in the ‘play room’, a swanky, red-washed sex dungeon generously stocked with kink toys and gear.

Illustration by Eva Mlodecki, at @femalerealm

But what is BDSM? And what does she entail?

‘BDSM’ is an umbrella term used to describe a physical, psychological and typically sexual power-role-play between consenting adults. The role-play practices can be formed into the following groups: bondage and discipline, dominant and submissive, and sadism and masochism. Sounds scary? Wrong! BDSM can actually be the safest and most exciting sex you can have. It is a judgement free space, where safety—and the discussion of your desires and boundaries—become top priority.

By Harriet Castro, at @hattieheavensent

In some cases, BDSM doesn’t even need to involve intercourse: it’s the mental aspect of the play that’s the fundamental turn-on. Feeling the need to be tied up or tie someone up? Great! You’re one of us. Chokers attached to leashes (a Choke Me personal fave!), tying up with ropes or cuffs, wax play, and spanking are just a few examples of BDSM— let me assure you that these fantasies are extremely common, so breathe bestie! Let us guide you.

We need to talk.

Communication is a vital part of BDSM. It’s important to discuss with your partner exactly what you’re hoping to experience in your sessions, and to ensure they’re comfortable with the idea in the first place. Understandably, it may be a daunting subject to raise if this topic is new and unanticipated. However, relax, stay cool as a cucumber and speak in hypotheticals to get the conversation going.

For example, you could say something like ‘Wouldn’t it be fun for us to try having sex blindfolded?” I think it’s so hot. Is that something you’d be open to exploring?’

BDSM must be mutually consensual, so if your partner is firm on not wanting to try this, do not pressurise, you must respect their wishes. It’s game over and that’s ok!

Different people simply have different tastes.

Illustration by Eva Mlodecki, at @femalerealm

Dominant and submissive

To put it simply, the dominant is the ‘powerful’ one who exercises the control, and the submissive will yield to the dominant, obeying their desires.

Dominance and submission can be physical, emotional, or both. The dynamic can either be demonstrated using sexual acts, or through acts of control/acts of service.

The pleasure stems from the power exchange. For the submissive, the play will allow them to temporarily kiss the stress of their busy life goodbye by surrendering control, leaving them at the mercy of their partner. Whereas for the dominant, the excitement arises from the power, and the sight of their submissive’s helplessness.

“Power is intoxicating”
Amelia Danver

Bondage and discipline

Bondage involves tying your partner up or being tied up. This doesn’t necessarily need to involve rope, it can also be achieved using handcuffs or leather cuffs. Fluffy handcuffs are typically the beginners first choice, as at first glance, it may appear the cute, plushy outer sleeve assures comfort. However, in my experience, this is not the case and they can be pretty painful (and not the fun kind) especially if cheaply made. We recommend reaching out for some good quality, vegan leather hand restraints instead.

Gags and blindfolds also fall under the bondage category. Blindfolds are a precious little bedroom tool, as when one sense disappears; the others then intensify. Meaning, if you are not able to see, you are able to sense, smell, hear, and touch a lot more intensely, making that sexual encounter feel un- fricking-believable.

Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant and a submissive.

As the role of the submissive is to please the dominant, in some cases, the dom/domme may feel the sub requires a certain amount of training and discipline in order to best serve them. This discipline could be the denial of a reward, such as orgasm.

Sadism and masochism

Sadism and masochism both refer to the enjoyment of and around pain. Masochism refers the enjoyment of experiencing pain while Sadism refers to the enjoyment of inflicting pain on someone else. Examples of this include: biting, clamping, slapping or more intensely Electro-stimulation, and cutting. It is important to note that these forms of play are potentially dangerous as they explore elements of torture, fear and pain. Therefore, if this is something you are looking to delve into, you must fully research and know exactly what you’re doing.

You must be well rehearsed by point of performance, which means researching and scrupulously following every possible precaution, and ridding any wild, Hollywood film imagery you may possess.

One of BDSM’s biggest misconceptions is that it always involves pain, however, this is absolutely not the case. Yes, some BDSM practices can contain painful elements, but it doesn’t need to. This aspect is completely down to you and your personal preference. Be as gentle or as rough as you want.

Illustration by Eva Mlodecki, at @femalerealm

Step 1 - Research.

Well, It looks like you’ve come to the right place. Bibs on, you’re in our team now, darling.

It is likely that you would have seen BDSM in porn or films, and unsurprisingly these scenes are highly dramatised and over-exaggerated. We really recommend reading up and educating yourself on the different activities under BDSM’s colourful umbrella, you could even reach out to a Sexologist who could help tailor the practice to your unique tastes.

Step 2 - Begin in your own mind.

Ok, thinking wigs on. What is it about BDSM that has interested you? What turns you on? Would you consider yourself naturally dominant, or are you more of a submissive person?

These questions will help you map out your journey.

Once you’ve figured out a rough idea of what you’re hoping to practice, the exploration of BDSM will be a smooth-sailing trip to Pleasure Town baby! We’d even recommend reading some kink themed Erotica or signing up to a fetish-friendly OnlyFans account, merely to help swirl up your imagination.

Step 3 - Communicate.

Sit them down, gaze dotingly into their eyes, and tell them you wanna be like Sandra Bullock in Bird Box. Kidding ahaa... ..Unless ;-)

Communication is actually an extremely important part of BDSM, not only will you learn more about your partners desires, it is also the perfect window to discuss your limits and boundaries. Since BDSM involves power and vulnerability, being clear on exactly what you want, what you’re open to trying, and what you do not want is key - this ensures safety, mental wellbeing, and that all parties involved are having a good time.

SSC (safe, sane and consensual) is a process followed by those who partake in BDSM, this system focuses on safety, and confirms that all participants have the capacity to consent, and that all participants do consent.

Step 4 - Choose a safe word.

The safe word is a word used to prevent the cross of boundaries. It should be completely random, something you wouldn’t usually say during sex, like showercap, or grapefruit.

When you hear the safe word, the practice should stop immediately. BDSM should be mutually pleasurable for everyone, therefore if a boundary is crossed and the safe word is called - it’s the end of the road buddy!

In the occasion where the safe word has been dropped, ensure you discuss with your partner exactly what triggered the prompt, so you know what to avoid in the future.

Illustration by Eva Mlodecki, at @femalerealm

Step 5 - Review. Ensure the play is fair and safe.

How did it go? What did you enjoy? What would you change for next time?

A teeny evaluation of your session will help you achieve maximum enjoyment and satisfaction from there on out.

Perhaps there were aspects of the play that wasn’t your kind of thing —absolutely fine— but let’s be cool and communicate this: all my homies communicate.

It is also important to check the physical safety of your significant other. If you’ve tied them up, you should always check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their blood circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, check in to ensure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.

Step 6 - Get in loser, we’re going toy shopping.

Holding the title for the UK’s largest online sex store, Love Honey stocks pretty much everything, they even offer kink beginners kits for those who are unsure on where to start [um? go off buying team.]

Toys are a really fun way to season your sex life and help you settle into your chosen roles. Anal plugs, nipple clamps, sex swings, and vibrators (to name just a few) are your friends. Take time to discover what works for you! For a more hands on experience, you could take a trip to a local sex store together, release your inner goddess.

Step 7 - Slow and steady gets the chase.

BDSM is an experimental process, whether you’re a professional or a beginner. It’s all about trial and error, so take your time to discover what you’re both into, and the roles you’ll explore. If you try to cram everything you’ve learnt into one session, you may overwhelm either yourself or your partner, and risk overstepping a boundary. BDSM should be mutually pleasurable, so take it slow— you want them to want to do this again!

Step 8 - Pick a label.

When you’ve figured out what role you want to play in BDSM, the next natural step is to discover your label. Labels are inherently personal, you can call yourself whatever the heck you want: Sir, Goddess, Master, Mistress, Daddy, Kitten honestly - it’s whatever. Regardless of the specific power exchange dynamic you choose, the label is completely down to you.

When picking your label, ignore gender stereotypes (I cannot stress this enough), you like the term Daddy, use it — regardless of your gender. I think we can agree that some feminine people give off Daddy vibes [cough, RiRi, cough] so if that’s what you want to be called? it’s a pleasure to meet you, Daddy. Use labels based on preference, not gender.

Not into labels? Dude, completely fine. The choice is always yours.

Step 9 - Check up with your partner, talk it through..

The debrief conversion naturally plays a leading role in the progression of your play, as hearing their thoughts and sharing yours will help mould and perfect future ventures.

How are they feeling about it? What did they enjoy?

It’s important to be as transparent with each other as possible, ensure you are genuinely listening and taking what they’re saying on board and vice versa! We’d suggest having this conversation in a relaxed setting, perhaps having a lil cuddle, however if they’re not a cuddler, reassuring eye contact will definitely help. If handled correctly, the vulnerability and intimacy of this discussion will bind you closer to your significant other.

BDSM is like a brand new, secret (and frickin exciting) world you and your partner can discover together, so ma’am, I hope you’ve been taking notes. Have fun, stay safe, and don’t forget to floss.